I had been looking forward to reading Gretchen Rubin’s book, The Four Tendencies, for a while now and it did not disappoint! This book cIassifies four basic personality types and offers insights into each one ranging from how to better understand family members, to tips on how to get your coworkers to clean up their dishes in the break room!
Ms Rubin’s premise for The Four Tendencies, is that there are 4 basic personality types; the Upholder, the Obliger, the Questioner, and the Rebel, which she has identified through studies conducted via her website. While everyone has a unique mix of all of these tendencies, everyone has one tendency that is dominant. This categorization of personality types is helpful because 1) It is fairly easy to identify each type, and 2) the Four Tendencies assessment is very reaction driven. While every personal assessment tool is helpful to better understand ourselves and in working with others, the Four Tendencies offers tactical tools on both how to understand our reactions, and the reactions of others. Knowing how we are predisposed to react in a given situation and why is key to then being able to manipulate the situation in order to drive the best results. The same is true with others; when we know going into a situation that an approach will most likely be perceived we can then alter our approach accordingly.
The Upholder
The first tendency is the Upholder. Upholders are the people who have very little problem setting and keeping New Year’s resolutions. When they say they want to start running in the mornings, or meditating before bed they generally follow through with it. Nothing gets an Upholder more excited than a brand new planner! They thrive on having a schedule and sticking to it. In a work situation Upholders are the ones that you know you can trust to get something done when you tell them to do it. They tend to unquestioningly obey rules that are placed before them. They can tend to be a little rigid and uptight and don’t like to have plans change on them at the last minute. Upholders also tend to have a strong sense of self preservation, they can sense when they are approaching burnout and will usually combat against it. Similarly while they may want to make others happy and be accommodating they have no problem saying no when they are at their limit. Upholders have the advantage of being able to keep habits and routines for their lives but they do have to work to remember that it is ok to allow for flexibility in their schedules to work around others and this does not mean that their lives are falling apart!
The Obliger
The second tendency Ms Rubin identifies is the Obliger. Obligers are the ones we know we can count on, though they can’t necessarily count on themselves. They are the people who are all about keeping others happy; they can be counted on to just about always be obliging to others. But that’s the key, they need external accountability. Obligers have a very hard time keeping to a new habit or resolution simply because they have said that they will. Most obligers have given up ever making New Year’s resolutions because they know they will not keep them. Rather they need to confide in someone who will follow up and see if they are sticking with their new resolution. Obligers thrive when they have someone else counting on them. The trick for obligers is to make sure they have external accountability built into their everyday lives. A large percent of the population are obligers.
The Questioner
The third tendency is the Questioner. The questioner is the one who needs to know why. Why is that new rule needed? Why shouldn’t we eat donuts for breakfast every morning? Are donuts even that bad for us? For the questioner is not a matter of rule or no rule, it is a question of whether they find that rule arbitrary or not. If they can be convinced by a reason, that is valid to them, that something is worth doing, then they will. If not, then they won’t. While questioners can generally keep a resolution or habit if they set their mind to it, they find a date such as January first arbitrary. When dealing with a Questioner don’t waste your breath telling them that they should do something, rather explain the research behind why they may want to and allow them time to do some of their own research. Questioners do have to come to grips with the fact though that there is always more research that can be done and eventually it is time to take action- preferably before they drive their friends and family crazy! A large percentage of the population are also questioners.
The Rebel
The last tendency is the Rebel. While this is the smallest percentage of the population I’ll guarantee that you know at least one rebel- they are hard to miss! Rebels hate to be told what to do, even if it’s something that they want to do or work on in themselves, when they start telling themselves that they should or must do something all over. Rebels will generally never make a New Years resolution, because saying that they have to do something will make them rebel! Instead rebels need to tell themselves that they can do whatever they want. That is how others can best work with rebels. By explaining how and why they need a rebel to do something, but ultimately leaving it up to them as to how, when, or even if they want to do it. The more you can make the rebel think something is their idea, and leave it up to them the better the results for everyone!
Still confused about which one you are? The Four Tendencies also includes a questionnaire so you no longer have to wonder. This is one of those rare books that is not only fun and engaging to read, but one from which you will surely glean at least one,(if not many), nuggets to take away and start implanting right away! Get your own copy of the Four Tendencies here:
And check out more of Ms Rubin’s work at: GretchenRubin.com
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