I am by nature a tighter wound, anxious type of person. I would not describe myself as a worrier per se, but I do get nervous about all the details coming together. For example, growing up I took dance lessons. All year we would practice and at the end of the school year we would have a recital. The other girls would get nervous of performing in front of an audience. Not me. I got nervous about all the other things—would I be able to make my costume switch in time? Would my hair hold up and not fall out on stage? What if my tights got a runner in them? I wasn’t worried about performing—I had control of that. I knew the dances and could perform them well. But things like an earring falling out on stage—that was out of my control and made me nervous.
I love the water. I grew up on the Allegheny River, playing and swimming in the water all summer long. About a half mile up river from where we lived there were some large rocks that would create ripples in the water—they weren’t rapids exactly, even though they sounded big and we did refer to them as “Killer Falls”—and right below the “rapids” was perfect fish habitat. We usually could find a few bass, catfish or even a walleye or two. We would float down to Killer Falls on air mattresses, then Dad and I would snap on our masks and snorkels and plunge into the water to see what we could see, leaving my mother to sun herself on the air mattresses in relative peace and quiet.
We recently went to the beach. One of the days we were there, we decided that rather than just looking at the water all day we would spend some time in the water—we did a snorkeling excursion. As I said, I love the water but I was very apprehensive about snorkeling in the big, wide ocean. I mean the river is only so deep—therefore nothing all that large can grow in it. But the ocean? Have you seen pictures of those creepy lantern fish? Never mind that they dwell far deeper than we would be swimming but they could still surface just to creep me out! And sharks! Sharks live in the ocean! Why were we presenting ourselves as living shark bait!? I’m little—I certainly look like shark food!
I can’t tell you why I started to let my mind run away with me as we sailed out to where we would be snorkeling. I wasn’t super worried about drowning or getting lost at sea; I am a proficient swimmer and no tour boat is going to let a passenger get lost, but it could happen! All these were things that I knew most people were worried about, so I decided to worry about them. I had never been snorkeling in the ocean so I didn’t know what it would be like but I decided to get ahead and start worrying about it.
We sailed to our destination and they handed out life preservers, goggles, snorkels, and fins. I jumped in and swam over to where the group was waiting. When I got there I looked down and the sight took my breath away! Schools of fish were on both sides of me. Yellow fish, silverfish, fish I did not know, and way, way more than I had ever seen in my river snorkeling trips, let me tell you! Below the fish were coral—actual real coral growing in the wild! And just like that I was in heaven!
We made our way behind the tour guide and saw more fish and barracudas. I tapped my husband’s arm excitedly and tried pointing to everything I saw. He had no idea what I was doing but he put up with me anyway—I just couldn’t contain my excitement! About halfway through our swim, I realized that I wasn’t scared at all. I wanted to swim the whole ocean and see everything there was to see: from the beautiful to the ugly, and everything in between! Being in the water with the snorkel in my mouth felt as natural as getting dressed. My fears about seeing a shark? I mean how cool would it be to see a shark up close and personal!!
I realized something at that moment. I wasn’t scared of the water, be it ocean or river. I may not want to go swimming in alligator and snake infested water in the Amazon … but I wasn’t scared. I don’t think this was a case of me being brave and overcoming my fears. I don’t believe these things were ever actually my fears. These were learned fears and behaviors from others—not from within myself. I grew up on the water, grew up in my youngest years going to the beach and playing in the ocean—years when I was too young to be scared or know of all the risks. As I grew I began realizing there were risks. I was already less afraid because I knew certain pitfalls, was confident in my abilities, and, yes, an accident could happen but car accidents happen all the time and we don’t think twice about getting in our cars.
This made me question if there were other areas of my life where I had been telling myself a fear-based narrative when actually it’s not something that I am afraid of. What are the things that I think I should be afraid of and have adopted the fear? I am afraid of heights. At a solid 5 feet tall it doesn’t take much height to make me feel the ground is very, very far away. But the water? Why did I think I was scared?
How many things have you steered away from trying because you are afraid? Have you ever done that particular thing before? Don’t write it off because it’s something you are afraid of! There will be things that you are not naturally inclined to do that will take a lot of effort to overcome the fear, but don’t confuse what you are innately afraid of with things you have learned to fear for no good reason! If it’s as safe as getting in a car, then try it! You may uncover a whole new world that is waiting for you.
One last note—remember how I was worried about sharks? After we finished snorkeling, we were taken to an island to hang out on the beach. My husband and I were wading in the water when we heard a little boy shout, “ Shark!” Everyone froze and looked to where he was pointing and sure enough, a little two-foot-long shark had found its way into the swimming area. He swam in a wide U veering away from anyone he saw until he made his way safely out into the open ocean. So there you have it—fears about seeing a shark when snorkeling were superfluous, but then realized when we were swimming unabashedly in the ocean a short time later!
P.S.
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