I had been looking forward to reading Gretchen Rubin’s book, The Four Tendencies, for a while now and it did not disappoint! This book cIassifies four basic personality types and offers insights into each one ranging from how to better understand family members, to tips on how to get your coworkers to clean up their dishes in the break room!
Ms Rubin’s premise for The Four Tendencies, is that there are 4 basic personality types; the Upholder, the Obliger, the Questioner, and the Rebel, which she has identified through studies conducted via her website. While everyone has a unique mix of all of these tendencies, everyone has one tendency that is dominant. This categorization of personality types is helpful because 1) It is fairly easy to identify each type, and 2) the Four Tendencies assessment is very reaction driven. While every personal assessment tool is helpful to better understand ourselves and in working with others, the Four Tendencies offers tactical tools on both how to understand our reactions, and the reactions of others. Knowing how we are predisposed to react in a given situation and why is key to then being able to manipulate the situation in order to drive the best results. The same is true with others; when we know going into a situation that an approach will most likely be perceived we can then alter our approach accordingly.
The Upholder
The first tendency is the Upholder. Upholders are the people who have very little problem setting and keeping New Year’s resolutions. When they say they want to start running in the mornings, or meditating before bed they generally follow through with it. Nothing gets an Upholder more excited than a brand new planner! They thrive on having a schedule and sticking to it. In a work situation Upholders are the ones that you know you can trust to get something done when you tell them to do it. They tend to unquestioningly obey rules that are placed before them. They can tend to be a little rigid and uptight and don’t like to have plans change on them at the last minute. Upholders also tend to have a strong sense of self preservation, they can sense when they are approaching burnout and will usually combat against it. Similarly while they may want to make others happy and be accommodating they have no problem saying no when they are at their limit. Upholders have the advantage of being able to keep habits and routines for their lives but they do have to work to remember that it is ok to allow for flexibility in their schedules to work around others and this does not mean that their lives are falling apart!
The Obliger
The second tendency Ms Rubin identifies is the Obliger. Obligers are the ones we know we can count on, though they can’t necessarily count on themselves. They are the people who are all about keeping others happy; they can be counted on to just about always be obliging to others. But that’s the key, they need external accountability. Obligers have a very hard time keeping to a new habit or resolution simply because they have said that they will. Most obligers have given up ever making New Year’s resolutions because they know they will not keep them. Rather they need to confide in someone who will follow up and see if they are sticking with their new resolution. Obligers thrive when they have someone else counting on them. The trick for obligers is to make sure they have external accountability built into their everyday lives. A large percent of the population are obligers.
The Questioner
The third tendency is the Questioner. The questioner is the one who needs to know why. Why is that new rule needed? Why shouldn’t we eat donuts for breakfast every morning? Are donuts even that bad for us? For the questioner is not a matter of rule or no rule, it is a question of whether they find that rule arbitrary or not. If they can be convinced by a reason, that is valid to them, that something is worth doing, then they will. If not, then they won’t. While questioners can generally keep a resolution or habit if they set their mind to it, they find a date such as January first arbitrary. When dealing with a Questioner don’t waste your breath telling them that they should do something, rather explain the research behind why they may want to and allow them time to do some of their own research. Questioners do have to come to grips with the fact though that there is always more research that can be done and eventually it is time to take action- preferably before they drive their friends and family crazy! A large percentage of the population are also questioners.
The Rebel
The last tendency is the Rebel. While this is the smallest percentage of the population I’ll guarantee that you know at least one rebel- they are hard to miss! Rebels hate to be told what to do, even if it’s something that they want to do or work on in themselves, when they start telling themselves that they should or must do something all over. Rebels will generally never make a New Years resolution, because saying that they have to do something will make them rebel! Instead rebels need to tell themselves that they can do whatever they want. That is how others can best work with rebels. By explaining how and why they need a rebel to do something, but ultimately leaving it up to them as to how, when, or even if they want to do it. The more you can make the rebel think something is their idea, and leave it up to them the better the results for everyone!
Still confused about which one you are? The Four Tendencies also includes a questionnaire so you no longer have to wonder. This is one of those rare books that is not only fun and engaging to read, but one from which you will surely glean at least one,(if not many), nuggets to take away and start implanting right away! Get your own copy of the Four Tendencies here:
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. See below that this link is purely for convenience and even though there is not additional cost to you when you purchase your copy of this book, it will support the work and care put into this site. Thank you very much for your support!
I have an affinity for old things. Antiques, vintage items, the newspaper that’s five years old that I’ve held onto for some reason- I love them all. I love the connection to the past that these items bring, the headline on the newspaper that seemed so monumental at the time, but has long since ceased to be of any import. The mysteries that are held within the pages of an old book; whose hands held it? How many owners has it had? What stories could it tell of all the places it has lived? Then there’s Bobbsey Twin book that my grandmother read in the 1930s that now has become a part of my decor, how little she must have been when she first read it!
My husband and I love going to museums, antique stores, thrift shops, and estate sales- these are some of our favorite pastimes. It’s amazing the little bits of everyday history that are uncovered in these ways. I once stumbled upon a Mother’s Day card sent from Germany in the very early 1930s with a swastika on it; before it became the notorious symbol that it is today. Let us never forget how quietly atrocities can begin.
There is an old little basket perched on my piano, a miniature picnic style basket. In its tiny depths are antique handkerchiefs. Made and embroidered by my Great-Grandmother, my Grandmother, and Great Aunts. They are so delicately embroidered. I find it very interesting that in their hard daily life consisting of farm labor and no electricity that they found time to slow down and grace their lives with the finery of a hand embroidered handkerchiefs which have since endured nearly 100 years. By contrast we rush through life using disposable tissues, throwing them away and rushing on with our day. I think amidst these very mundane objects there is a lesson.
What will we leave in our wake? When we are gone and only our dust covered belongings remain what stories will they tell? Will they speak of a life lived in rushed excess; the hasty accumulation of more, but never pausing to enjoy any of it? Or will they tell of times spent simply and quietly with the people we held dear? The evening spent embroidering around a kitchen stove after a long day of field work. The delicacy and gentleness of a delicate handkerchief to offset the crudeness of farm life. Items such as these handkerchiefs tell of a life where hard work was mandatory, but rest was mandatory too. Where hustle was needed but family was needed more. Of a time not oh-so long ago when we settled in and took a deep breath before rushing off to the next thing.
This is what I see when I look at these artifacts from the past. Whether these items are passed down from my family or passed casually in a store; they serve as reminders for me to rest, to press pause, and take a moment to breathe. They are a reminder that time will pass whether we notice or not. Most likely too quickly in any regard, so let us hold onto this moment while it exists for all too soon it will pass as well. In the end, after we are gone our things will remain, at least for a little while, and they will tell a story about us- will it be the story we want them to tell?
Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul. Proverbs 27:9 MSG
We had a picnic with four of our friends yesterday. It was lovely. It wasn’t even a traditional picnic in a field or park, but rather a picnic out of the back door and in a tiny patch of yard behind the one couple’s house. We had so much food; meats, cheeses, bread, crackers, fruit and pickles, all spread out across the outdoor table. We had so much food infact that we spread blankets on the ground and sat on them to eat because the food took up the whole table! The early June weather was a balmy and the sky so blue it could have been plucked from a post card. We were in no hurry. We ate, we talked, we laughed, and then ate some more.
The other couple has a new baby and there was lots of time spent in baby snuggles. Nothing says rest without worries quite like a plump baby snoozing in your arms in the afternoon shade. It felt so good to just relax. To be like the baby and shrug off our cares for a while in order to just be wholly present in the moment- drinking every bit of sun dappled glory that the afternoon had to offer.
The Bible tells us a good friend refreshes the soul, but how often do we overlook this simple truth? I think about how many times I’ve considered spending time with friends to be superfluous, and have not made plans in order to “get more done”. But people are more important than things or my to do list. Yes there are still responsiblities to be upheld but how many other tasks that are not critical get put on the “Must Do” list?
I love checking things off my to do list! I love the feeling of accomplishment that comes with a totally x-ed off list. But I do notice these things don’t feed my soul like sharing a good, slow meal with a close friend does. I don’t feel my energy renew after finishing a project as it renews after a rich conversation with a loved one. We need people. Take time to pour into someone else, and feel yourself simultaneously getting filled back up! Be a friend, refresh and be refreshed!
We have reached the time of year when we can fall into a little decorating slump- at least I know that this is the case for me! It seems the summer has peaked, the 4th of July is over and before we know it school will be starting up again and all the summer fun that we didn’t get to this year, will have to wait until the next year.
I find myself getting a little stuck in my decor at about this time- it’s wayyy to early to pull out stuff for fall but things need a little freshening up now that summer is halfway through! Here are three things to ask yourself when you’re feeling a little stuck in your summer decor.
1 Is Your Decor Stale?
If you tend towards Americana themed decor for Memorial Day and Independence Day, then you may just need to take a look around and take down a few things. Yes, Labor is still coming but you can always pull out a few Americana pieces as a mini refresh. In the meantime, tuck away some of the flags and red,white, and blue pieces, and instead try bringing in some fresh cut flowers- either gathered from the garden or store bought to brighten things up!
2 Has Your Decor Gotten Cluttered?
One major perk of freshening up your decor frequently is you are better able to keep tabs on clutter that may be appearing around the edges or worse- on the coffee table! Are someone’s keys starting to always appear on the kitchen island instead of the entry table? Have you been meaning to tackle that pile of miscellaneous stuff by the front door? Take a good look around and then- attack!
Along these same lines keep an eye open for any new items that you haven’t found a permanent home for yet and thus, stay perched in a less than optimal spot. If you haven’t found the right spot for that really cool vase you found at the flea market yet- its ok! Just tuck it away until the moment when the right spot jumps out at you and you wonder why you never saw it sooner!
3 Move Things!
It may not even be changing your decor that you need to do as much as moving it! If you decorate with greenery, flowers, and relatively season neutral decor, the secret may lie in rotating a select piece or two from one room to another room. Get creative! Try swapping pieces out of two vignettes with each other! Go through your house and try switching one of the pictures or items that you have on the mantle with an item in your entryway, and swap the picture in your entryway for the one on your dresser that you would like to see more. Just mixing up the decor you already have will make things feel fresh!
Lastly curate your decor that you have out. Was there something that you did when you were pulling out the summer decor that you weren’t crazy about but left it because you thought you might need to get used to it? If it hasn’t grown on you yet, then it’s time to change it. Sometimes it pays to walk away from a tough decorating area for a couple hours or a day. But when it’s been weeks on end and it’s still not working- it simply isn’t going to. This can be key for a situation. I think it is true both for myself and others that we have a tendency to over decorate. I even heard of one decorator who after working on a shelf or vignette would then step back and take away at least 2 items. Try it- I know doing this has helped me out of many a difficult decorating spot before! And it’s also okay not to have all of our favorite items out at one time; putting them away and rediscovering them later will bring a joy of its own!
I hope these tips help inspire you to get creative, play and above all, have fun with your decor! I’d love to hear from you, see pictures of what you tried and hear other tips you may have! Email me at EssentiallyEmmaMarie@gmail.com, or meet me on instagram- I look forward to hearing from you!
If you are anything like me, or most of America, there is just never enough time. Not only is there not enough time to do everything we want to do, but sometimes there isn’t even enough time to enjoy what we do have time to do. We rush from one thing to the next, feeling guilty for not doing the other thing- any other thing! And then on the rare occasion when we finally stay home to rest because we feel burnt out, we don’t truly let ourselves relax because we are so focused on what we are missing. All this, day after day, leaves us with less and less energy, and to do lists that are still too long.
This is not a new problem in our culture, and it is not one that will disappear anytime soon. But what if there was a way to truly savor the time we do have? What if we could stretch out time to make it feel like we have all the time in the world- time enough to enjoy what is most important to us?
This is the topic that Laura Vanderkam’s book, Off the Clock, covers. Click here for your copy, https://amzn.to/3avfUw2. In this book, Ms Vanderkam covers in depth not only how to carve out time for hobbies and activities that are important to us, even in the most hectic schedules, but also how to enjoy the time we take on these activities to the fullest. She also shows that how by really immersing ourselves in these activities time can seem to lengthen and stretching turning tiny blocks into mini vacations! Then when we go back to work our or our todo list we do so refreshed and more effective!
After reading her book at the beginning of the year, my husband and I sat down and made a list of some of our favorite time-stretching outings that we enjoy doing together. With summer now upon us and wanting to drink up every drop of the nice weather that we waited so long for, here in Western Pennsylvania at least, we then revised the list into some of our favorite little dates that are especially enjoyable to do in the outdoors. By taking a couple hours out each weekend we have been able to make our weekends feel so much more like a vacation and I find that doing one of the following activities at the beginning of the weekend really helps to break the tension from the week and spring me into relaxation mode!
Hiking
We are beyond blessed to live in a rural area where we can walk out our front door and enjoy a pleasant walk on a one lane road. However if we would like a more rigorous workout we have 2 state parks within a 10 minute drive that we can go to for some real hiking. Some of our best conversations happen while we are hiking. There’s something about being surrounded by nature that makes for great, rambling and unhurried conversation. Even if you don’t live in a rural area, what about strolling down the hip new part of town where all the cool shops are? Also most cities have trials for biking and walking now too!
Having a Campfire
I know this isn’t feasible everywhere, but if possible it is more than worth the effort it takes! Much like hiking, being outside in the evening around a fire has a way a stretching out time, making an evening that might otherwise slip into monotony be just a little bit more memorable. If you can’t have a campfire, what about watching the sunset? This is another way to pause and drink in a few minutes of relaxation.
Yard Saling
Getting moving bright and early on a weekend is my idea of a good time; for my husband- not so much! But we both agree that the experience is worth it! We rarely buy much during these outings but we love seeing other people’s past treasures. It makes you really think about the passage of time and how transient this life is. And it is a great way to keep an eye out for items to fluff up your decor! One of our favorite days last year we stopped by a local coffee shop, got our coffee to go, and then walked around a section of town that was having a group yard sale. We found a few things we loved and then hit a place from brunch before heading home. I think we were home by 11 with most of the day left to enjoy and do any earth shattering chores. We spent under $30 for everything we did that day, and it was one of the most special days I can remember from last year.
Coffee Dates
I briefly mentioned it above but finding an adorable little coffee shop with their own specialty drinks is one of our favorite date go-tos! Many of them have outdoor seating and I love starting the day off early with something fun, and then being able to get my work done the rest of the day. My husband loves his coffee and its such a fun way to ease into the day!
Picnics
Last but not least there are picnics, and these can be done so many different ways! From picnicking in the living room, to at a state park, or from a bench overlooking a river, each location carries a charm all its own. I love to bring fresh veggies, crackers, bread, cheese and some fruit and let everyone put together their own flavor combinations. Sometimes it’s just the act of switching up the everyday routine that can help flip the switch from dull everyday status to vacation mode!
I hope those ideas helped to inspire you to enjoy your time a little more! If you want to dive deeper into the topic of enjoying time be sure to check our Ms Vanderkam’s book; Off the Clock, and in the meantime what are some of your favorite ways to stretch out time? I’d love to hear from you!
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. Here’s a great link for you to pick up your copy of the book at no extra cost to you by visiting Amazon through Essentially EmmaMarie. Here’s Laura Vanderkam’s book, Off the Clockhttps://amzn.to/3avfUw2. Thank you!
