It has been a year since I became a mother—a year of everyone telling me how quickly time passes, that I need to enjoy every moment, that I will blink and find that my baby is grown. I have thought about these things every night when lying my sleepy baby down for bed; I have kissed his cheek and intentionally held onto the moment knowing that, in less time than I care to think about, this little baby will be bigger than me, and not inclined to let me kiss his cheek so often!
My son has had reflux—a moderately bad case. While we figured out around six to eight weeks of how to manage it, the first six weeks of his life he was held almost constantly unless not he was crying! Not just crying but scream-crying like he was in pain (which in fact he was) and while holding him still didn’t quiet him completely, it helped. For six weeks I was lucky if he took one good nap during the course of the day. I would set him down, tip toe away and do my best to shower, prepare a meal, tidy up, or whatever else I wanted to do that day, knowing IF he went down for another nap, I’d be lucky if he slept for an hour! It is safe to say I held my baby as much as I could during this period. “Hold him as much as you can,” echoed through my mind as I held him for the majority of every day.
And yet… did I hold him enough? I know the answer is yes. I remember the days not being able to set him down because when I did so he would cry that excruciating cry, and no, he wouldn’t just cry it out. So while I held him nearly all day every day, I still look back and would love to hold my sleepy baby again because here’s the truth—it’s never enough.
It’s never enough. And it never will be. Mother’s Day—a day of remembering the ones we’ve lost, and a day set aside to intentionally remember and hold on a little tighter to the mothers we still have in our lives. But as much as we might cling to our loved ones in the time we have with them, in the end we will always wish we had more time. I remember spending a lovely Father’s Day with my Grandpa the 36 hours before he passed, and it still wasn’t enough! I still wanted, still want more time with him. And even though I have taken advantage of kissing my son’s chubby baby cheeks every time I can, it’s not enough either. The year has still gone by quickly. And slowly. There were sleepless nights, followed by days that seemed like they would never end. There were days that seemed like months when all of us were sick with the flu. There were days we wanted to last forever and days that seemed to last forever.
Then there were the strings of average days—days that were just fine, nothing fancy, nothing special, but just a good normal day. On these days I would wrestle, as every new mother does, with the to-do lists and responsibilities, and spending time with my baby. I would find myself trying so hard to enjoy the moment that I started not enjoying it! Do you know what I decided to do? I decided to quit thinking about all of it.
I decided to quit thinking about how much I should enjoy everything, to quit feeling like I was either doing too much, or not enough, and to just do what I wanted to. Then I started really enjoying life with my little one.
Maybe (quite possibly) I am just a basket case, but I’m willing to guess you have felt a similar push-pull in at least one area of your life. While you are really trying to enjoy and hold tightly to a magical experience, you find it slipping through your fingers only to let it go and find that the last part is the part that you most enjoyed about the whole experience.
This Mother’s Day, and all the days here after, my prayer for you is that you don’t feel the need to hold onto anything so tightly that holding on becomes the only thing you can think about. Instead, I hope you are able to immerse yourself in the moment, let your emotions go, and store away memories of being fully present in your season of life. I pray you are able to live all, or at least most days, filled with love for your life and those in it, and that that love spills over to those you meet, colors your days, and ends up looking like a life well lived.
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